Not Your Angry Black Woman
You look at this picture and you see me standing there in plain black clothes and a hat almost as if I'm trying to hide all my imperfections while standing in the mist of chaos that has nothing to do with me and is out of my control; the life of so many black women.
Not many people see me... but he sees me. He sees the chaos that goes on in my head. He sees the uncertainty and the insecurity that sits right in front of me every day that I hide so craftily from those so close to me. He used it; he used every positive and negative asset I have to hurt me. Purposely I wouldn't say so but at times knowingly, still that was not reason enough to stop. He comforted me at times when the pain was his own fault but was also there to place puzzle pieces that had been unfitting since before him.
We went through all of the obstacles some my fault most were his but I never shifted. I never acted out or did the things the world would expect. Most times I was always level headed and thought about what would come in the future based on my actions. He on the other hand did whatever it was he wanted and needed in order to move forward. I kept it together for him, myself and her. There were moments of anger, moments of wanting to do all those crazy things you hear about us doing; but I didn't. Not because I couldn't and not because I didn't want to I realized over and over again this is how we've been branded as bitter and angry; even if I had reacted slightly I'd be placed in that category.
The way a black woman loves is unknown to anyone who has not been fortunate enough to experience. It takes a lot for us to give up on those we love, those we know can be great. We see the potential in the men we love before they can even grasp how powerful they truly are. He and I went through those things but I always felt I had to be the strong one. I had to be the one to push through and be okay because if I didn't there would be an option of everything falling apart. And that was not an option. I cried many times but never in front of her never in front of anyone really. I screamed, I fought the air (lol), I prayed, ate a lot but I never broke; but I wanted to. I wanted to give up and Stop pushing through. But as most other black women; we never break.
Our strong will to survive is usually taken negatively. We react differently to stressful situations not because we are rude or unbothered; we just know at the end of the day the world keeps turning. Most times we are not angry or bitter we are tired and hurt! We literally worship the ground that our black men walk on. We consume ourselves with your happiness and taking care of home. And because of this they know if they walk out on us everything will still be ok. This is where we get our mind frame of “I'll just do it myself”. Don't be mistaken that we don't believe you can do the things we need we've just been continuously let down. Our young ladies grow to feel as though they have no choice but to be independent or dependent so much that they have no control over their own lives. Our men are broken because they aren't taught how to develop and love but to survive in a dog eat dog world. Our little boys are disrespectful to the very women who birthed them and worship lives that will lead them down the wrong paths.
Besides our own treating us as if we're not worthy most of the world does too. We face stereotypes on a daily that we fight to overcome. Most times the media only paints an image of us being useful when we're half naked or on reality shows bringing each other down. The government paints this image of us being low income, uneducated, government dependent and lazy. These labels can be placed on any race but is given to us without choice. What hurts the most is being crucified for how prideful we are to be black women.
I asked a group of women I am very close to of all different ages, have different levels of education, they have all encountered different experiences in life and with different types of people what they think of themselves when they looked in the mirror; all of their answers brought me to tears. Something we all seemed to have in common is the things we deal with behind closed doors. Many of us suffer from depression, we believe we're not where we need to be in life, we are our own support system and have to talk ourselves up on a daily to simply keep going. I must say I did not prepare myself for their answers even though I asked for their honesty. I could feel their pain with every word I read. Then unexpectedly someone asked me in return and my answer was "I see someone strong minded but can be weak at the same time very proud of myself but still dealing with accepting the timing of how things have worked ready to be confident so that others can be too".
This blog isn't only about black women or about us being angry it’s for all women and hopefully to even help men. I started with this post because it describes who I am. I've been through some of the hardest times but I was never bitter or angry; I just kept going.
I hope you enjoyed the first post and maybe have a little more understanding on the heart and soul of a black woman. Below is a direct quote from one of the ladies I asked my question to. This is who many black women are behind closed doors.
As always there's a comments section below. Share your thoughts, ask questions, and even give me a few suggestions. If there's a topic you'd like me to discuss send it through the "contact me" tab.
Thanks for reading
-Toi D'Lane-
"I try to motivate myself and say look what you've been through and look where you at. I'm nowhere where I want to be but I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm hard on myself and I'm very upset with decisions that I made in life but I also know everything happens for a reason and nothing is in my timing. I struggle with depression but no one knows because I hide it. I'm not sure if this is what you want to hear but when I look in the mirror besides my physical appearance I have to tell myself that you can do it, don't worry about what could been keep pushing for what God has waiting for you."
