What I learned from loss
When I was 9 years old I lost my best friend. She wasn’t a friend from school or a child I knew from the neighborhood; she was my grandma. Up until the night she was rushed to the hospital I spent nearly every day with her. I did almost everything with her including get on her nerves. For a child so young I didn’t understand cherishing small moments like walking to the store with her or literally getting three home cooked meals a day. When she passed away I struggled majorly for years; more than my family knows. I literally can’t think, talk or even write about her without feeling that awkward pain you get in your throat right before you’re going to break down and cry. Though the death of my grandma was hard for me to deal with, I was blessed to learn a major lesson early in life. After her death I realized the importance of never taking someone I love for granted. I love hard, I cherish moments and I’m never afraid to express my love for family or friends. I refuse to ever allow myself to have regret from not cherishing my moments.
When my grandma passed she left behind her sister; my Great Aunt Yan. I can’t imagine how hard it was for her to deal with also losing her best friend, but she didn’t let it stop her from being there for us and trying to fill our void. Unfortunately, this year we gained her as an angel as well, but it wasn’t as hard for me to let her go. Throughout my life I loved on Yan as much as I could after my grandma passed. When I went to visit I always hugged her tight as possible for minutes at a time, as long as she’d let me I’d share her bed, I kissed on her greasy face from her being oiled up, once I was old enough I’d drive us to the casino as she recited the Hail Mary while holding her rosary because of my driving. She loved getting chicken nuggets from Wendy’s and chocolate eclairs from the bakery. To some those things may seem unimportant but I will cherish them for the rest of my life.
During the past five years our family started noticing a decline in her health. Suffering from dementia she reached a of point of not being able to safety live alone and my incredible Aunt Ree moved her to Houston and took care of her. I reached a point of denial and found it hard for myself to visit often even with her being so much closer. I guess I figured if I didn’t visit as much I didn’t have to accept the true nature of her health. Thanksgiving 2017 was the last holiday my Great Aunt Yan was able to actively share with us. Christmas 2017 she spent majority of the day in bed and it knocked me back into reality. I felt bad for my Aunt Ree because I couldn’t help as much as I wanted to going forward but I spent as much time as I could just being in their presence. The late nights sitting with them even while just holding her hand were worth it. Being able to kiss her and tell her I love her even when she couldn’t say it back filled my soul. She passed away the same week as my graduation. There was the initial shock of her physically being gone that hurt the most. Of course, attending her services hurt drastically but I think most of my hurt came from my own selfish thoughts of simply never seeing her again.
The difference I see in myself from these two losses is my regret which in turn reflected on my grieving. I was okay with letting my Great Aunt Yan go. She lived life to the fullest and I was able to not only share but cherish 29 years with her. I have pictures, videos, items and so many memories that I use to never let go. With my grandma I was so young I didn’t understand the value of our moments. For someone I spent so many days with I don’t have any pictures with her. Things like not being able to remember her voice or how much I selfishly had her do for me as a child caused me to carry huge regret and guilt. When I said goodbye to her she was already gone.
I say all of this to say cherish those you say you love as much as you can. Take some time to slow down and really see them, touch them and love on them. Never let your pride get in the way of loving those close to you. You do not need a reason to express you love just do it; randomly and often. Leave the excuses of not being taught how to love or being afraid to show your emotions in the past because once a person is physically gone there is no changing the past. Live for today and cherish your “right now” moments because there is no guarantee of the future no matter age.
