Co-Parenting
Before I start discussing what I believe and how I feel co-parenting should be handled along with my experiences let me first give you a little background about my upbringing and this will help you understand many of the opinions I have on the subject.
My parents had me at a young age; my mom’s senior year of high school. They were together for some time but unfortunately it didn’t stay that way. Both parents ended up marrying other people; bringing about my wonderful siblings who I couldn’t see life without. My father relocated to Memphis, TN and my mother and I relocated to Springfield, MA with her husband. Imagine how hard the distance made things for the relationship between me and my father. But there are a few things that I want to point out about my parents. I don’t know the issues they had with one another when I was a child. I was never around for any of their disagreements whether in person or by phone. My parents never spoke ill of one another to me or in front of me to others. I have no clue if my dad was on child support and if he paid it. I don’t know if there were times my mom purposely didn’t let him speak to or see me. My point being, they kept me out of the drama if there was any. Even living miles apart, I was able to visit my dad and family during the summer, holidays and was even able to live with them a full year. They worked out me flying back and forth and getting picked up. My step parents treated me as their own and never disrespected my mother or father. I’m not saying it was perfect and that they always got along but they never let me witness any negativity. Till this day my parents get along great! They are both appreciative of one another and have no issue letting that be known. To my parents I am thankful for you both; not because of what you’ve done or do for me but because of the way you’ve always made one another look like a superstar in my eyes.
The picture below is probably one of my favorites with my family. My daughter was taking pictures for a local Houston photographer (@j.wilkinsphotography) and there were no plans of myself or her father being included. At the closing the photographer asked if she could get a few family shots. Marcus and myself looked at each other, laughed a little and said sure. What she didn’t know and what you now know is that at this moment we weren’t in a relationship. I ask myself how many people would have said no because they weren’t in a relationship with the other parent. Sadly, I know a few.
I understand that life is not all peaches and cream and there are moments filled with hate because of the other parent. And in those times you must remember your child did not ask to join the world, you had a lot to do with the choice of who the other parent is and at one point you either liked or loved this person enough to risk having a child.
Ladies let’s start with ourselves, shall we? The first thing I’d like to say and many may not agree but when you decide you are moving forward with a pregnancy please understand you are taking full responsibility for an innocent life. Yes, I said YOU! You knew the type of man (or boy) you were dealing with before making your decision so he will either get better or worse as a man. Understand there is a chance that one day you may be taking care of this child on your own. In my opinion as a woman you are held to a different standard because believe it or not a man can walk away and never look back.
If you believe in putting a man on child support you have every right to do so. I am highly against entering my child, myself and her father in the system. If a man wants to take care of his child he will do so without a fight. The state should not have to tell a man how much money he should give to raise his child or how much time he should be spending with his child. I see the child support system simply as control and continuing to hinder the now “luxury” of having a father. If a man cannot afford his “payments” because of hardships that do happen in life there are risk of getting arrested and possibilities of serving time. What can a man do for a child if he is locked away for not being able to pay money? I understand it cost to have a child but I’ll pick time with her father instead of money any day of the week.
As mothers we want to protect our children from all harm in life even if that includes family. Unless it is unhealthy for a child to spend time with their father it is not your decision if the father should be included. He cheated with multiple women, did you wrong and broke your heart into a million tiny pieces; that has nothing to do with your child. He may be immature, petty, annoying, and so on BUT if he is a good father suck it up! If he gets a new woman; that doesn’t mean he can no longer see his child. I’m not saying forget the past and treat them with love and compassion but do what needs to be done to make sure your child is good. People will make mistakes in life, if he wasn’t there in the manner he should have been and decides later that he wants to come around if your child is still young give them that chance to fix things. If the child is old enough to understand let them determine if they want their father back in their life. One thing I know for sure and I’ve told plenty of my own friends; children grow to learn and understand the type of relationship their parents have. They observe who’s there when they need them and who drops the ball. So you don’t have to go out your way to prove that you are Super Mom. Trust me its known without any acknowledgement. As hard as it may be try not to get so caught up in the relationship between you and your child’s father and just focus on making sure your child is getting everything they need.
Now men it’s your turn! First and foremost, it is the responsibilities of both parties to make sure proper protection is in use BUT risking it all because your “pull out” game is top notch is your fault! If you cannot see her as the mother of your child do not take the risk. If you do not want to deal with this woman that already gets on your nerves for the rest of your life, for the love of God strap up! Now that that’s off my chest…it’s simple take care of your seed. Yes, it is that simple believe it or not. As I told the ladies your relationship with your child’s mother has nothing to do with your child. Understand that if you do not want her, there will be a man that one day decides to love not only her but the child as well; so man up.
Many men use the excuse that they didn’t have their father in their lives so they don’t know how to be a father. To an extent that is understandable but let’s put it this way. All the moments you felt less than because your dad didn’t show up, being one of the only kids at school to not have their dad show up for school programs; him missing your games, no Happy Birthdays and having you wait by the door only to never show up; be the exact opposite! Make sure your child never has to experience that hurt and disappointment you felt time after time. It’s okay to not know what or how to do things as long as you’re trying.
I understand there’s also women who make it hard for good fathers to be around. Any other time I wouldn’t agree to getting courts involved but in this case, do what you need to do. If you do have a court ordered visitation schedule and she asks you for help on a day that “isn’t yours” the pettiness isn’t required. Because let’s face it the chances are she spends majority of her time with the child while you don’t have to ask anyone for help when you want to do something on your own. Many men live an unrestricted life that doesn’t revolve around the child. You can go where you want when you want, having people over isn’t a problem, and randomly going out of town isn’t an issue. So the next time she ask for an extra day it won’t kill you to say yes. One of the biggest issues between parents who are not together is money. Men tend to feel as though women want too much of it and women feel they don’t receive enough. If you are capable please give help her if she needs. To say the least the money you give is just repayment for everything she has already taken care of without thinking twice to ask you for. Though it may be hard men please understand that being a full-time parent is a job. Women don’t get to go home after work and rest they go hown and take care of your child’s needs. If possible give her a break when you find unexpected free time or even give her a little extra money or cover an expense when you can.
There is also the rare case of men being the custodial parent; which is amazing. Ladies if you know you don’t want your life completely controlled by this little person and the father is willing don’t keep the child to be spiteful. I honestly hate that the court system automatically assumes a woman should gain custody of a child simply because she is the mother. There are plenty of men who are willing, wanting and more capable of caring for their child than the mother.
For the period of time we weren’t together we always made it a point to put our daughter first. His only focus was seeing her and helping me and my only focus was making sure that happened. We didn’t do separate birthdays, or make it a point for her to know what mommy or daddy did for her. We always remained as a team. And though its hard you do not have to share every detail of your situation with your family and friends because that will influence your decision making. We tend to only share the negative which will result in them giving you advice based solely on that. If you are each in relationships, there should be an understanding for the companions on the type of relationship that is had between the parents. If your partner can’t handle it they aren’t the one. If you marry someone else they should be willing to also communicate with the other parents. They are now a part of the team and you want to make sure everyone is on the same page. Phone calls, text, even facetiming will take place so the pride of your spouse will need to be checked before the alter.
Take the time to create family memories for them even if you are no longer in a relationship. Providing them with those memories is something that can never be replaced by money or material things. Always remember that as parents you’re in it together; sometimes you may need to talk and build game plans and understand you will have differences in what you want or believe is okay; find a middle ground. It can be hard but a kid should never have to witness you arguing about them and should they hear you down talking their parent to your family or friends. There is a time and a place for all things. Making rude and sarcastic comments every time you see one another does nothing but make things harder for the kid involved. Your son will learn how to treat a woman based on how you treat their mother and your daughter will learn how to handle relationships based on how you treat her father. Last but not least the social media back and forth is immature and honestly does nothing but entertain me when I have nothing better to do than read the ridiculous post and comments. Remember there is always a chance that what you post; be it a status, old private picture of your ex, or screenshots there is always a chance your child will see it.
One thing I have always been strongly opinioned on is making sure I am not the reason my child’s father is not around. I won’t hassle anyone for money or beg them to see their child but I will also not be the reason it doesn’t happen. Nothing is worse than having a child grow up to believe their father wanted nothing to do with them when the reality is the mother did everything in their power to make sure it didn’t happen. The mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing of my child will always be my main priority; if that includes me sucking up my pride and being in uncomfortable situations to make that happen for her… you guessed it; it will be done with not a care in the world!
