Getting back to you!
I used to feel it was so cliché for people to say "you gotta love yourself first". But with life, age, pain, and heartbreak I've learned it to be true. You will never be happy with yourself or life until you are able to love yourself. That means loving every aspect of you from inside and out. You must realize that you will never be perfect and you cannot compare yourself to others or else you will always end unsatisfied.
There was a time in my life when I considered myself completely happy. I loved who I was as a person inside and out but life has a way of turning those things around. One of the biggest mistakes I believe a woman can make is looking to others to supply her confidence and happiness. Sadly, I found myself in
those shoes; I became “that” girl. As many women I got so wrapped in being a good partner and mother I forgot about taking care of myself. My life revolved around making sure they had everything they needed and wanted no matter how much I forgot about taking care of me. I changed so fast without even noticing. I grew angry at him and it wasn’t even his fault. He had no idea of the fight I was fighting in my mind and I wasn’t open with him about it. I made unrealistic expectations about how things should work and it took a long time for me to realize. There were moments of frustration because he would still live his life, making time for his friends, going hang out and having his own personal time. Sadly for me I wasn’t doing those things as often as I should have; my mind was consumed with my family and I lost myself. I used our relationship and how much we did together to determine how happy I was. The less time we spent together the greater the frustration. I started arguments over things that meant nothing caused by my own misery. My confidence and happiness began to dissolve because I no longer pampered myself, there was never any “me” time or spending time with my friends as much as I once did. I was completely lost as to whom I was and it was no one’s fault but my own. I got to a point where small things like posting pictures on social media and seeing the world continue to move without me made me feel incomplete and often times worthless. My happiest moments at this point in my life only took place because of my daughter and as much as I love her that was unhealthy.
We took time apart and it helped me find myself again. It’s sad to say but I truly had to work at finding who I was outside of my relationship and being a mother; I was lost. I realized the things I needed to do and I had full faith in myself but there was still a dark period I went through and I made the mistake of going through this time alone. I didn’t tell anyone how I felt or what I was going through; I held it all in. Don’t do this! Between family and real friends I had people I could have turned to but as a woman (especially as a black woman) I felt I had to be strong. I couldn’t let anyone see me cry or struggle. Most importantly I had to be strong for my daughter. I didn’t want her to think mommy was weak. I would wait until she fell asleep at night to fall apart. Many nights praying and asking God for nothing more than PEACE and UNDERSTANDING. If I could find peace and understanding in myself again I knew I would be okay. Looking back I wish I would have turned to my support system for the support they’ve always been there to supply. But that process did build my strength and my faith in God; if it weren’t for those nights of falling apart and being vulnerable and open in his light I wouldn’t have been able to be open about these things today.
As hard as it is; every day you get through is another day closer to the things you want in life. I had to fake my confidence and happiness until I felt it again. That means getting up and getting dressed even though there may not be anywhere to go for the day; constantly seeing yourself in that positive light in order to believe it. And ladies; it is okay to take a break from your child longer than a few hours. Everyone needs those adult moments of letting go and forgetting their responsibilities. It’s okay to not spend every moment of everyday with your partner. Do not base how good of a person you are on how happy your partner or children are; your happiness should be based on you alone. It is important to remember that it is okay if you’re not always happy in life, you will go through periods of being unsatisfied but if you do not acknowledge your issues they will only get worse. As hard as it is ladies please remember that people especially men cannot read minds. We cannot expect people to know what we are feeling or expect that they will simply change to make us happy. Last but not least please don’t ever feel as though you are alone. You should have people in your life that are there to help you through times as such and if for some reason you feel you don’t then it’s time to work on those relationships. If you consider yourself religious or spiritual it will always benefit you to have a strong connection in what it is you believe in.
I can be honest in saying I still struggle in loving EVERY aspect of who I am. There are physical, emotional, and mental things about myself that I still struggle with but I no longer let those things dictate my happiness or confidence. With time as I accomplish my goals in life there will be time and opportunity to work on all things.
Thanks for reading!
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- Toi D'Lane -
